When I first heard the phrase "romanticizing domestic violence," I thought it was just about misinterpreting jealousy as love like extreme possessiveness and that misguided idea that "he won't let me talk to other guys because he cares so much”. The romanticization of domestic violence is when abuse in relationships is portrayed as passionate love or made to seem acceptable or even desirable. This romanticization is everywhere in our media landscape. Reality TV shows thrive on toxic drama and even celebrate aggressive behavior as entertainment. Social media influencers might brush off controlling behavior as "protective." Movies and novels sometimes package possessiveness as passion. What's particularly concerning is how all these subtle and sometimes not-so-subtle messages seep into our culture's understanding of relationships.
The scariest part is, this content is incredibly accessible to teenagers who are just starting to figure out what healthy relationships look like. Without engaged parents helping them process what they're seeing, young people might start thinking that drama, control, and even violence are normal parts of romance.
A Marginalized Population
Native American teenagers face special risks when it comes to domestic violence, partly because harmful relationships are sometimes portrayed as romantic or normal. This is concerning because Native American youth are already a marginalized population. When we say Native Americans are a "marginalized population," it means they often face unfair treatment and have less power and fewer opportunities compared to other groups. Think of it like being pushed to the outside or "margins" of society.
This unfair treatment shows up in many parts of their lives:
-Trauma from genocide, forced relocation, and boarding schools that disrupted family and cultural structures
- Family trauma experienced within a generation(s), often as a result of the ripple effects of trauma or personal experiences like abuse, neglect, or violence
- Cultural disconnection that led to loss of traditional support systems for today’s youth who reside in tribal communities and urban areas
- Geographic isolation of many reservations limiting access to resources and support services
- Systemic poverty and lack of economic opportunities
- Limited access to healthcare and mental health services
- Educational disparities and high dropout rates
- Jurisdictional complexities between tribal, state, and federal law enforcement that can leave crimes uninvestigated, leaving unresolved issues related to domestic violence
- Alarming Rates of Violence Among Native American Youth
So when domestic violence is made to seem normal or romantic, it becomes an even bigger problem for Native American teens who might already have limited access to help and support.
Alarming Rates of Violence Among Native American Youth
It is essential to comprehend the statistics surrounding domestic violence among Native American adolescents to underscore the gravity of the situation. Native American teens face disproportionately high rates of domestic violence and sexual assault.
- The 2021 Youth Risk Behavior Surveillance reported that American Indian and Alaska Native students had the highest levels of teen dating violence at 18.5%, which is nearly five percent higher than the national average of 13.6%. (1)
- According to the National Institute of Justice, 56.4% of Native American adolescents report experiencing sexual violence, physical violence, or stalking by an intimate partner in their lifetime, which is higher than any other racial group in the United States. (2)
- Native American children experience child abuse and neglect at a rate of 12.4 per 1000 children, which is nearly twice the rate of other racial groups. (3)
- Over 80% of Native American women and teens experience violence in their lifetime. (4)
So what does it mean when we say that a marginalized Native American teenager is more susceptible to buying into romanticized domestic violence than their non native peer? Children and teens learn about relationships primarily by watching the adults around them. It's like learning a language, we pick it up from what we hear and see every day.
In many Native American communities, there has been a chain of disrupted family life going back generations. Great-grandparents were forced into boarding schools, separated from their parents at young ages. Oftentimes they endured expreme forms of abuse. When they were able to leave, they left carrying the baggage of unattended emotional and physical scars with them into adulthood. These scars were often replaced with unhealthy coping mechanisms such as substance abuse, isolation, mistrust of others, and cycles of anger or violence. They never got to see how their own parents handled everyday marriage challenges, never learned their traditional cultural teachings about respect in relationships, never experienced the normal give-and-take of family life.
Those great-grandparents then became parents themselves, but they had no healthy role model to follow. It's like trying to cook a family recipe when no one ever showed you how. They did their best, but they were working from a blank page. This pattern continues down through the generations. Each generation of parents is trying to demonstrate healthy relationships to their kids, but they're working with limited tools because they didn't get to see those examples themselves.
For today's teens, this means they might:
- Not know what a respectful disagreement between partners looks like
- Never see examples of couples solving problems without anger or violence
- Miss out on seeing how couples can support each other through hard times
- Not learn traditional cultural teachings about respect and balance in relationships
- Have limited exposure to extended family modeling different types of healthy relationships
This becomes especially concerning when teens then encounter romanticized versions of controlling or abusive behavior in movies, music, or social media. Without strong real-life examples of healthy relationships to compare against, these harmful relationship patterns might seem normal or even desirable. Without healthy models, it's harder to recognize unhealthy patterns.
Understanding How Media Romanticizes Unhealthy Relationships
Many popular movies, TV shows, and social media posts are packaging toxic relationship behaviors as romantic gestures. Think about how often we see stories where obsessive jealousy, controlling behavior, or even aggressive actions are portrayed as signs of "true love" or "passion."
This isn't just happening in one place - it's everywhere our kids look. Social media influencers and celebrities often dramatize relationship problems for views and likes, making unstable relationships seem exciting or desirable. Teens are constantly exposed to these messages during their formative years, when they're just learning what healthy relationships should look like.
When young people repeatedly see these harmful behaviors glamorized, they might start to think they're normal or even romantic. A teenager might mistake possessiveness for devotion, or think that constant drama means the relationship is more meaningful. This can set them up for accepting abusive behaviors in their own relationships, either as someone being mistreated or as someone who mistreats others.
It's crucial to have ongoing conversations with teens about what healthy relationships actually look like. Love involves mutual respect, clear boundaries, both partners feel safe, valued, free to be themselves and uplift each other. These conversations can help counteract the unhealthy messages they're getting from the media and pop culture. Red Flags
The Influence of Media Representations on Adolescent Views
Teenagers are constantly on their phones, watching shows, and following social media. There's something important we need to watch out for. A lot of the relationship content they're seeing isn't painting a healthy picture of love.
Teenagers influence each other and are also learning from their friends. If their friend group thinks it's normal for a boyfriend to check their partner's phone or for a girlfriend to get super jealous, your child might start thinking that's okay too.
Some red flags to watch for teenage relationships are: If they're being kept away from family and friends, If their partner is extremely jealous, If they're constantly being criticized or made to feel bad about themselves and any kind of physical aggression, even if it seems minor.
TikTok, Instagram, and Snapchat can make this even trickier. These platforms are full of dramatic relationship content that can confuse kids about what real love looks like. They might start thinking that having a "crazy" or controlling partner means they're in a passionate relationship, when really, these are warning signs. If teens start believing these unhealthy relationships are normal, they might stay in bad relationships thinking they can "fix" their partner, miss warning signs of abuse and think drama and conflict mean their relationship is more "real".
Being a teenager and raising a teen today isn't easy. They're getting all kinds of mixed messages about relationships, and we need to step up to help them figure out what's real and what's not. Teaching healthy relationships helps your teen learn what good relationships look like. Get them involved in school workshops about healthy relationships, make sure they know about counseling if they need someone to talk to and connect them with slightly older teens who can share good advice, connect them with healthy mentors who can be good role models.
What you do at home is the most powerful tool for being good role models ourselves. Your children are watching how you handle disagreements with your partner, communicate when you're upset, how you display respect in your relationships and solve problems without drama. Have honest conversations with your teen about what a healthy relationship looks like, how to spot red flags, that love shouldn't hurt or make you anxious and that it's okay to set boundaries. If you are in an intimate partner violence relationship, seek help for yourself and possibly for your children. Effects of Domestic Violence on Children
Provide the message to teens to know they deserve relationships that make them feel:
- Safe and respected
- Free to be themselves
- Supported by their partner
- Able to keep their friends and interests
Remember: You're not just teaching your teen about relationships - you're showing them what to expect from one. Help them create healthy expectations.
Empowering Teens Through Education
Education is a powerful tool to disrupt the cycle of violence. Here are a few ways to help teens build resilience:
- Workshops: Teach communication skills, self-worth, and boundary setting
- Counseling: Provide safe spaces for teens to share their experiences.
- Peer Mentoring: Allow appropriate older teens and mentors to guide younger peers toward healthier relationships
When we empower teens to recognize unhealthy behaviors and prioritize self-respect, we’re helping them rewrite the narrative around love. Healthy Relationship Quiz
Resources for Teens and Families
If a teen finds themselves in a harmful relationship, there are resources to help:
- StrongHearts Native Helpline: Offers confidential support tailored to Native communities StrongHearts Native Helpline Call, Text or chat with an advocate from to create a safety plan 1-844-762-8483 1-844-7NATIVE
- Love is Respect: has a lot of helpful resources for parents and teens Love is Respect Website
- School Counselors: Many schools provide mental health resources.
- Support Groups: Teens can connect with others who’ve faced similar challenges
- Tribal Youth Groups: May have talking circles for teens and mentors
Educational initiatives tailored for Native American communities should be culturally attuned, incorporating pertinent examples and addressing the unique needs of these communities. Promoting resilience through community connections and cultural identity can play a significant role in addressing the issues related to domestic violence.
Changing the Narrative
The romanticization of domestic violence is a dangerous trend that distorts teens’ understanding of love. By raising awareness, fostering open conversations, and providing education, we can help young people create healthier relationships. Real love isn’t about drama or control, it's about respect, trust, and uplifting each other.
In summary, the romanticization of domestic violence among teenagers presents a considerable obstacle to their comprehension of healthy relationships. Raising awareness and providing education are vital strategies for breaking the cycle of violence, equipping adolescents with the skills needed to cultivate mutual respect and understanding. By addressing the underlying causes of this issue and empowering youth, society can strive toward a future where love is perceived as a nurturing, respectful, and constructive force.
References:
- Stahlman, Nicole, Uniting for Change: Preventing Teen Dating Violence in Indian Country, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Indian Health Service, 24, February, 2024 IHS
- Kaili Burg, "Native American Teenagers Experience Higher Rates of Dating Violence Than Other Groups," Native News Online, February 2024. https://nativenewsonline.net/health/native-american-teenagers-experiences-higher-rates-of-dating-violence-than-other-groups
- Unknown Author, “National Statistics on Child Abuse”, The National Children’s Alliance,
https://www.nationalchildrensalliance.org/media-room/national-statistics-on-child-abuse/ - Andre B Rosay, “Violence Against American Indian and Alaska Native Women and Men”, The National Institute of Justice, Office of Justice Programs, 1, June, 2016
https://nij.ojp.gov/topics/articles/violence-against-american-indian-and-alaska-native-women-and-men
Ariana Rodriguez, "Why Do We Romanticize Toxicity in Pop Culture?" Her Campus, March 23, 2022.
https://www.hercampus.com/school/fiu/why-do-we-romanticize-toxicity-in-pop-culture/
Unknown Author, “February 2021: The Romanticizing of Domestic Violence in
Literature”, Domestic Violence Service, Inc., 23, February, 2021, https://www.dvsn.org/february-2021-the-romanticizing-of-domestic-violence-in-literature/
